The Variant

Tech news from an alternate timeline.

Apple to Relocate Headquarters to Texas According to Leaked Memo

“pack ur bags, [f-slur]s” Apple CEO Timothy Cook instructs employees in a jarringly unprofessional internal memo announcing Apple’s shocking relocation to Palo Alto, Texas.

The doozy of a memo sent to all Apple corporate employees this morning and leaked to The Variant just minutes ago provided little detail about any aspects of the move. The only motive mentioned was “[keeping] an eye on elon haha”, a presumptive reference to Tesla’s recent intent to move to Austin, Texas from Palo Alto, California, which may have created confusion behind the memo’s curious reference to Palo Alto, Texas, a very small town described by Wikipedia as “located four miles southwest of Driscoll, 7-1/2 miles north of Bishop, and 14-1/2 miles north of Kingsville.”. Cook also stated that he “don’t rlly fuck wit cali like that lmao”

Apple has denied our request for comment with a threat of an “Epic lawsuit” (no pun intended?), stating that “[Apple will] just assume that [we] hacked [their] shit since we think we know everything”.

The Variant is currently monitoring a situation at our headquarters in which an alarming number of Apple Maps vehicles have been circling our building at slow speeds, with occupants making threatening gestures. We are unsure if this behavior is related to the leaked memo we recently obtained.